Funeral Etiquette

The accepted customs of dress and behaviour in a funeral have changed over time, but courtesy never goes out of style. Here’s what we’d like you to know about funeral etiquette.

Do:

• Express your condolences – It’s not easy to come up with the right words for someone who has just lost a loved one.  You don’t need to be a poet. Simply saying, “I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family”, is enough.  If you can’t be at a funeral service in person, sending a card or leaving a message on our online tributes is a perfect way to express your sympathy. Leave a condolence, share a memory, post a photo, and let the family know you care.

• Dress appropriately – Gone are the days of dressing up in all black for a funeral. These days almost anything goes, but only when you know it's the right thing.  In fact, sometimes the deceased has specified the dress code; 'no black' is a common request.  If you can't learn the wishes of the family, then dress conservatively, and avoid bright colors.

• Sign the register book – The family will keep the register book as a memento for years.  Be sure to include your full name and relationship to the deceased. Feel free to leave a message.

• Give a gift – You don’t need to go overboard with your gift - it is the thought that counts.  Suitable gifts include: flowers; a donation to the charity of the family’s choice, or you can make a commitment of service to the family at a later date.  A commitment of service can be something as simple as cooking dinner for them, offering to clean up their house, or any of the “little” things that may be neglected while a family deals with death.  Make sure you provide a signed card so the family knows who gave the gift.

• Keep in touch – You may feel that the family needs their space and time to grieve, but a simple phone call or note after the funeral lets the family know you care.  With social networking, leaving a quick note is as simple as a click of a mouse.  The months following a death is when grieving friends and family need the most support. And say their loved one's name - they will love hearing it and hearing stories about the person that meant so much to them.

Don't:

When it's all over, always remember to continue to offer support and love to the bereaved. The next few months are a time when grieving friends and relatives could need you most. Let them know that your support did not end with the funeral.

• Forget to turn off your cell phone – Your phone ringing will cause a disturbance. Turn any ringers or notifications off.  Even better, leave your phone at home or in your car. A funeral is not the time to be texting or checking your messages.

• Be afraid to remember the good times – Funerals are obviously a time of grieving and mourning, but remembering the good times helps with the healing process.  Sharing a funny and appropriate story is acceptable, and in some cases, it's exactly what the deceased would have wanted.